Final Fancast

It's the FuSoYa chapter starring Golbez. Is Golbez's first name Theodore or Selena? Counts rule counties; Count Malboros rule Big Mean Jerkface County. FuSoYa, the powerful Lunarian archmage, seems to have roughly six and a half MP at any given moment. How do the moon phases work when we're actually on a moon? Is osmose secretly useful? Flashbacks to FF4 ensue. Lunarian nesting dolls are a thing. We shimmy and shake along with Zeromus's Bonus.
This definitely shouldn't be your very first Final Fantasy game. Right? It seems like maybe it shouldn't be.

For all our complaining about The After Years, Kain's Tale mostly worked for us. In fact, according to Mike, this was the "high point of the After Years so far." He even liked Cid in this bit -- which is huge!
Castle guards won't let you through. Kain's mission is in the throne room. Edward becomes Gigachad. The Twingers are never relevant. Mirrors are weird. We apologize to Dan. Sorry, Dan.

The English translation of Final Fantasy IV lied to us. Damcyan is economically fudged up but Edward is so hot everyone cuts him slack with being a bad monarch. Hey, what happened to the hovercraft from FF4? Whisperweed has so many world-building implications. Is the chancellor running the biggest economic espionage game in history?
Rubicante F Kennedy Jr drops by to share some health and wellness tips.
PS: Guys, autism isn't caused by vaccines or Tyenol or basilisk milk pasteurization. I can't believe this needs to be said.

The dragon is crying. Porom is a parentified child. Edge is spotted lurking in the bushes wearing a t-shirt that says "sicko" and rubbing his hands together.
We really lay into Kain this time, folks. We really let him have it.

Name a more iconic team of four ninjas. Oh. Yeah, I guess the Ninja Turtles. Well. Here are four other ninjas. They aren't turtles. One of them is a kite sort of.
We go to a brothel for plot reasons. Our invitations to the Hall of Prayer meeting seem to have been misplaced. We become a toad also for plot reasons. We steal some vegetables -- not for plot reasons, though. Just for the thrill of it.
So yeah. That's Edge's Tale, basically. We also talk about Crystal Chronicles for like 10 minutes.
Maybe every Final Fantasy is actually just a story told by that one guy at the bar in Troia. Probably not, but there's still probably enough meat on that bone for a good 20 minute YouTube theory video.